Reasons I Have a Thick Beard
Because you wanted to know.
Did you know beard length is measured in millimeters? Neither did I. Anything over 10 mm is considered long. I learned this when buying a “long beard trimmer” on Amazon.
Over the last few months I’ve let my beard grow thicker. Not, “I’m moving to Portland and considering a man-bun” thick, but thicker than I’ve worn it my entire life.
The reasons my beard is now thick and luxurious have nothing to do with secretly desiring to be a hipster or preparing for a new career in pirating.¹ Let me share with you the Reasons I Have a Thick Beard:
I am Lazy
That’s it. Full stop.
Thanks for reading.
¹: Note this instance of “pirating” refers to sailing the high sees and capturing ships for booty², not the form involving software in the 90's.
²: Note this instance of “booty” refers to treasure, not the 90’s euphemism for “butt”.
³: Note “thick” can also be a euphemism for “butt”.